shhh
jess~nineteen
It’s 1:41 am in San Francisco, California. Right now I feel kind of confused, anxious, like I have to throw up. I can’t believe I let you invade my heart & my head. I’m so stupid. So fucking stupid. But my heart always wants to give you the benefit of the doubt, but my mind knows you’re the scum fuck you are. For months,I let you abuse me with your dirty, filthy fucking words & they clouded my mind until they consumed me and my character. I hate you I fucking hate you so much. I hate you. Fuck you.
I so willingly let you chew me up and spit me out. And just when I begin to feel whole again, you seem to find your way to tear me apart.
hello, it’s 12:33 on Wednesday February 8th.
I feel so stuck right now. Stuck because I let something or someone, I shall say, toxic invade my life. I allowed them to dig a hole inside me and take a fraction of my being. Ugh, I feel fragile and helpless. I want to stop feeling this way about temporary people. I keep thinking if I talk myself out of it, that I’ll snap out of it. But the more and more I think about it, the deeper I’m forcing myself in. I need to breathe.
I like you, but I don’t want to
Hating you is a waste of time, from now on you’ll be nothing to me.
I can’t sleep.
So I’ve decided to write or type, if we’d like to be technical.
At this point in my life, right at this exact moment 12:59 on August 30th, I feel so much content with everything that is going on. I feel happy. I feel grateful. But somehow, I feel scared. Maybe it’s because the ocean doesn’t stay calm forever and all the waves come crashing down at once. Yet, it makes me wonder.
It’s not always going to be sunny outside, sometimes it rains. But quite like the rain, sometimes it’s necessary to clear out the drought. Not all rainstorms are bad storms & sometimes we have to pull out the umbrella and the rain boots and make it through the storm only to see that there is undoubtedly a beautiful rainbow at the end.
I want the rainbow. Even if it means that right now, as happy as I am, that next week I could fall flat on my ass again. I may lose hope in the things that once brought me immense happiness. I may lose faith in myself and the others around me. But then, I remind myself that it won’t last forever. Pain doesn’t last forever. Hurt doesn’t last forever. Weaknesses won’t last forever.
Being proud of myself and pushing myself through the storm will always be rewarding. I don’t need someone to look at me and all I’ve done to tell me I’m great or important. I don’t need someone to be proud of me. I am strong on my own two feet and will take whatever comes at me next head on.
Goodnight~
